I shouldn’t have done it, now I am very sad again. Thinking about people that probably do not think about me as often. Giving my heart out to people who already have their hearts taken by someone else, giving it out to people who do not want it. I can’t keep clinging on to things like this but when I miss you I watch your videos, in a language I do not understand yet. I miss your voice, your hair too dry from bleach. I wish to see the english world from your perspective, I wonder how things would be if I actually told you from the start. I had 6 months with you but I really overlooked it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, now nobody feels like I should feel these feelings but they’re right, you have someone else in your world in your language and I’m just another english speaking fling.
I have been trying, for some time now, to find dignity in my loneliness. I have been finding this hard to do.
It is easier, of course, to find dignity in one’s solitude. Loneliness is solitude with a problem."
Maggie Nelson, BLUETS (an exquisite meditation on the color blue—and sadness, suffering, heartbreak)
I’ll reread it many times.